Where's The Lotion?
by redfox13
Summary: Something’s wrong with Harry. Seamus and Ron decide to find out what by spying. Now all they have to figure out is why Draco Malfoy is snogging The Boy Who Lived!


Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns everything and is a very rich person, nothing is mine except the plot.

AN: Random idea, hope u enjoy!

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"Why are we doing this again?" Ron sighed as he lifted a Quidditch magazine and placed it down again.

There was a slight squeak of the mattress as Seamus bounced, sending the redhead a leering grin. "You want to know what your best mate is up to, don't you?"

Ron sighed and nodded reluctantly as he glanced around the room again. Harry's room to be exact, a private room that was given to him after a horrible fit of visions that had kept his dorm mates up with nightmares weeks after the incident.

Harry thought it would be better to separate himself from his friends then to have them suffer along with him.

Lucky sod.

In Ron's opinion, there wasn't much suffering to be had, Harry had an entire room to himself! And better yet, it was the size of their entire dorm!

But back to the matter at hand, Harry had been acting odd for a while. Sneaking around, lying about his whereabouts, and worse of all (in Hermione's opinion) he had been skipping class.

Which was why Seamus had concocted a wonderful plan to find out exactly what was going on with their scarred friend. After weeks of planning and well thought-out ideas, they had come to one solution.

Spying.

It was fairly simple, Harry had Quidditch practice from four to five on Tuesdays, (Ron had been kicked off the team) which usually ran a tad bit late depending on the shape of the team and their amount of hard work.

As soon as Harry had left his room for practice, Seamus and Ron had moved in. It was the reason they now found themselves lounging on Harry's bed and digging through his belongings.

"Hey, look what I've found." Seamus chuckled, holding up a bottle and shaking it in Ron's direction.

"What is it?" The redhead squinted.

"It's lotion."

"… and?" Ron frowned.

Seamus sat up and stared at his fellow Gryffindor incredulously. "Well, what do you suppose he uses it for?" He demanded.

"To moisturize himself?" Ron shrugged.

There was an irritated sigh. "Let me rephrase that. What would a _male_ do with lotion?" The sandy haired teen cocked a brow expectantly.

. . . (Ron's a bit thick)

"_Ew_!" He seemed to have finally caught on. "Harry wouldn't do that!"

Seamus shrugged. "Whatever you think mate, but I'm telling you, it gets a bit rough when you're – "

"Stop it! Stop it!" The redhead covered his ears.

The Irish wizard grinned mischievously. "I'm taking it as a souvenir." He said as he stuck it into his robes. "Let's see what else we can steal – I mean _find_." He glanced around. "Ah look, something shiny!" He dove under the bed.

Ron shook his head and turned back toward the stack of magazines cluttering the mahogany desk. Harry really was a pig; the state of his room was enough proof of that! Clothes strewn everywhere, lube left open and dripping on the bedside table, stains on the carpet…

"_Lube_!" Ron screeched.

A ruffled head immediately popped up. "Where?" Seamus asked eagerly.

"There." He pointed, turning away from the traumatizing sight.

Seamus stood and walked over to the seemingly innocent bottle, his eyes were wide as he gazed down in awe. "Wow." He breathed. "This is Harry Potter's lube."

"Yeah, _and_?" Ron grimaced. He didn't feel very comfortable snooping on his friend anymore.

"Do you know how much money I could get for this? Every witch and wizard on the _planet_ would want to get their hands on this!"

"Seamus!"

"Well it's true!" Seamus retorted. "You are blind to its beauty."

Ron shook his head and accidentally knocked a pile of papers onto the floor. "Take your "beauty" and go admire it somewhere else." He bent over to pick them up.

A lecherous grin spread across the bright face. "So you don't mind if I take a quick "bathroom" break?" Seamus asked, waggling his eyebrows and rubbing the liquid between his fingers.

"Oh gross! Seamus, we're supposed to be finding out what's wrong with Harry, not how he – " He stopped and grimaced at the thought.

"What? How he wanks, how he blows a nut, makes drain babies, pets his snake, fist-kabobs, rubs his genie, conducts himself in the solo symphony? The list goes on Ronald; just tell me when to stop."

"Merlin, please stop!" Ron had his face buried in his hands, his cheeks burning an embarrassed red.

Seamus shrugged. "You can't be touchy feely about these things Ron, you're a man now, all you have to do is grab it and – "

"I know how to wank!" He spluttered.

"That's all you had to say." Seamus shrugged before throwing himself onto the bed, where he immediately bounced over the side and thumped onto the floor. "Ow."

Ron scowled. "That's what you get." He turned back toward the mess of papers.

_This is turning into a nightmare._ He grumbled as he fisted the sheets into a hazardous pile.

"Hey Ron, whatever happened to your rat?" Seamus suddenly asked as his head appeared over the bed.

Ron stopped and frowned. "What?" He asked, completely thrown off by the change of topic.

"Your rat, remember? The stupid little thing that was never good for anything except shitting on your bed?"

The redhead glowered. "Oh yeah, _him_." He shook his head. "He ran away I guess." He shuddered at the picture of a fat balding man crouched next to his head in sleep.

_I did not need that image._ He busied himself with rifting through papers.

"You should get another pet, like a dog or something." Seamus continued talking as he buried his head under the bed.

"We aren't allowed to have dogs." Ron replied flatly.

He heard a muffled thump and a whine. "Well Harry has one underneath his bed." Seamus said nonchalantly.

"What!"

Seamus popped up again with a grin. "Just kidding!" He chuckled.

"Stop doing things like – " Ron froze as he heard voice outside the portrait door. "Shit! We have to hide!" He hissed.

"Why can't we stay and talk – "

Ron tugged his arm and pulled him into a closet. "Get over here _now_!" He managed to shut the door behind them just as the portrait slammed open.

"Merlin I'm tired!" Harry sighed heavily as he threw his robes onto the floor along with his broom.

"You didn't shut the door properly Ron!" Seamus leaned forward despite Ron's hissed warning. "Oh, I can see _everything_."

"Get away from the door before _you're_ seen!" Ron snapped, listening carefully to the footsteps which had just doubled. _What the heck?_

"Let's take a shower, you smell and I'm feeling dirty by being in your mere presence." Another voice suddenly drawled.

_Oh Merlin, that sounds like – _

Harry laughed. "Come on then Draco, we'll take a shower together."

_Malfoy!_

Seamus slowly turned toward the hyperventilating redhead. "I think we just found out what's wrong with Harry. Looks like he's shagging a Slytherin."

Not just _any_ Slytherin, but Draco Malfoy, the prissiest blonde aristocratic bimbo to walk the halls of Hogwarts besides his father Lucius.

_This isn't happening._

"Harry, I've been having trouble sleeping, do you think it's the new lube we've been using? Maybe there are weird aftereffects?" Draco spoke up again.

_It is. _

There was a frown in Harry's voice. "I don't think it's the lube, maybe it's because of the positions we've been practicing."

_It most definitely is._

"Well, it's not exactly that, I've been having nightmares these past few nights." Draco shrugged. "But I don't know why."

"Why don't you tell me about them." Harry suggested worriedly.

Ron tuned them out as he tried not to hurl. This was his worst nightmare come true, well maybe not his _worst_ nightmare, Snape dancing naked in the Great Hall was a _bit_ worse then this. But _still_! This was _not_ what he expected his friend to be hiding.

_Please tell me this torture is almost over._ Ron thought frantically as he tuned back in to the conversation.

"… and then I was kissing Snape." Draco whispered in horror.

Ron choked and tried to back further away from the door, while Seamus pushed forward eagerly.

There was an obvious amount of sarcasm as Harry replied with a flat, "I asked about your dream, not your fantasy."

Draco let out an indecent squawk and a heavy thud announced his fall from the couch. Seamus managed to suppress his fit of giggles as he bit into his fist, shoulders jerking with humor. Ron merely grimaced beside him.

"How dare you!" Draco voice sounded from higher up, a sure sign that he had lifted himself from the floor. "I was being serious Harry!"

Harry laughed. "I'm sorry, _really_." He snorted.

A heavy sigh showed that Draco didn't believe the thinly veiled lie. "Why must you be so mean to me Harry?" His voice quivered.

"I'm sorry Draco, don't cry!" Harry reassured hurriedly.

Ron gagged as he turned toward Seamus, only to find the other boy holding back his sniffles and tears.

"What's wrong with you?" He hissed.

Seamus dabbed at his eyes. "It's beautiful, they're obviously in love." He gestured toward the couple.

Despite his better judgment, Ron leaned forward and almost pissed his pants at the sight he was greeted with.

_Draco_ Malfoy was _snogging_ his best mate, Harry Potter.

The Slytherin Ice Prince and the Gryffindor Golden Boy were _snogging_.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Ron quickly covered his mouth as he swooned back.

"Shove over then, this is hot." Seamus pushed past him.

The sound of wet kissing and clothes rustling echoed through the room and Ron squirmed uncomfortably. Kissing he might be able to stand, but now it sounded like they were groping each other.

His fears were proved true as Harry spoke up again.

"Do you want me to touch you?" Harry whispered seductively. "Do you want me to make it all better?"

"Please Harry, it hurts so much." Draco pleaded in a whispery gasp.

Seamus bounced excitedly. "Ron you have to see this!" He squealed silently. "Harry's got his hand in Malfoy's pants!"

Ron pushed himself deeper into the closet, shaking his head and muttering.

A husky chuckle drifted through the room. "Is that your wand, or has your manaconda come out to play?"

"Manaconda!" Seamus laughed. "I love it; they have pet names for their penises. Ron, isn't that cute?"

"No!" Ron whispered fiercely, trying to shut out the voices of lust.

"Harry, please…" Draco moaned.

_Merlin, I don't think I can take this much longer. Please don't start having sex while we're in here!_

He shoved himself deeply into the darkened closet, accidentally shuffling into a box of some sort and knocking the contents onto the ground around him.

A hush outside forced him to pause, he bit his lip nervously as Seamus turned and glared at him.

"Did you here that?" Harry asked breathlessly.

Draco seemed to listen and then huffed exasperatedly. "No, now quit stalling."

Something stiff was poking the redhead in the backside and Ron shifted restlessly. _What the hell is that?_ He frowned.

Suddenly there was a sharp click and a low humming filled the closet.

…

Ron screamed shrilly as something began vibrating near his bum and he lunged from the closet, interrupting the pair's foreplay and shocking them into silence.

"What the fuck is it? Get it off me!" He writhed on the floor and threw away whatever squirming object had found its way into his back pocket.

The thrumming _thing_ landed in front of him and he stared at it, paling.

"Hey Ron, you found a dildo!" Seamus stepped out of the closet and pointed merrily.

The redhead began to turn green as he scrambled to his feet. "I can't take it anymore!" He screamed and ran out of the room.

The three wizards sat in silence once more, each one wondering what the other was thinking and what the hell would happen next.

"You know you two are _extremely_ hot." Seamus grinned before following Ron's path. "If you're ever interested in a threesome, let me know!" He waved.

The two were finally left alone and they turned toward each other in question.

"What the hell was that?" Draco demanded.

"I'm not really sure." Harry stared at the door in confusion. "I think Seamus and Ron were spying on us."

The blonde shook his head. "You Gryffindors amaze me sometimes." He stood. "Well now that the mood has been effectively destroyed, I'm going to take a shower."

"But Draco!" Harry protested as he gestured toward his crotch.

Draco held up a halting hand. "Blame your little friends." He stepped into the bathroom. "You can take care of your little problem yourself, you haven't always had me after all, I'm sure you know how to masturbate."

"You suck." Harry pouted.

"Not tonight love." The door slammed shut.

Harry grumbled halfheartedly as he went into their bedroom, ready for a good wank. He stopped and frowned.

"Hey Draco, where's the lotion?"

The End

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AN: I don't know what I was doing with this; weird ideas seem to hit me from the oddest of places… walking through the house, staring into space, when I'm supposed to be doing homework, lol.

-Red


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